blah blah

easy

2005-09-15T23:38:00.000-07:00

it feels good to finally finish.
finish my first project with my very first official client.
the end result is superb.

my boss at one of my other jobs asked "who should i pick to replace you?"
my co-worker later turned to me and asked "i would like to do it."
but in my hearts of hearts i know she won't be a fit.
she doesn't have that... er... "umph".
is it her age? her weight? her attitude?

easy.
someone said bliss is reading really hard in the afternoon and knowing that you have a really, really good friend coming over to dinner later on.
bliss.
i don't know how i would define bliss. maybe not having worry-ulcers would be bliss.

tomorrow is my last day at work.
surreal.
ending my life here. beginning it somewhere else altogether.
i'm in a ciggie haze and can't think clearly.

"you have no idea how much you would be missed here." a friend said tonight.
i like to think that would be true. could it be?

fourteen days

2005-09-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

fourteen days i have left in this city.
just fourteen.

my world will forever change in that time.
i'm planning a soiree for me.
except, ego maniac musician wants to make it all about HIM.
it's my night, damn it, and i'll cry if i want to.

my stomach hurts.
must be the ciggies.
could be the brownies too.

i wonder what kind of me i would be in d.c.
the me with the short hair?
the me with all my issues?

i can only wonder. and hope. and wait.

not there

2005-09-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

when i'm around other women, i feel invisible.
like i'm ugly. like i don't matter. like i'm so foreign the men around me don't know what to do with me.

that's how i felt tonight.
i wanted to "go out". to have that 20-yr-old feeling of a night out on the town.
i must have forgotten i was still in columbus.

the night felt dead from the beginning.
so we go to this spot.
nice food, cool music, nice vibe.
but i was feeling antsy. i wanted to be dancing.

in walks this man in a bright purple suit. tall.
tall suit sits at the table behind us. he starts talking to a friend.
he comes over.
i get up to go look at the paintings. i didn't plan to leave as soon as he came to our table. it just happened that way.

so i return.
he is talking to my two friends, chatting away.
i saw him introduce himself to them. shaking hands, asking names. all formal.
so when i return back to the table, he keeps talking.
i stand, waiting for him to introduce himself. he kept talking.

i immediately decide that he is not someone worth my time.
finally, my friend gets in a word and introduces me to him.
"hi." i said. then i turn to my friends, "ready to leave?"
he looked puzzled. they got up and we left.

here's the thing. it's polite to introduce yourself.
you can't come over to a table, dominate the conversation and then not bother to introduce yourself.
suit guy assumed that he was all-that.
it made me feel invisible. like i was ugly.
it ruined my night.

am i ugly?

washington, dc

2005-09-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

last month the world could have come to and end and i wouldn't have cared.
life was bleak and dark and ugly last month.

this month...?
new job in washington, dc
moving in two weeks
making the BIG BUCKS

life is good, finally.
life is exciting. the opportunities are just waiting out there...

look for me in d.c., changing the world!

waiting

2005-08-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

i want to have the patience to just wait. to take things in. to reflect, analyze, say "hmmmmnnn...." and mean it.

but i want THE NOW. the time that comes without warning.
i want the "really...?" and then the "omigod... what now?"
you know, the excitement?

but i also want the pause.
what do i know? i'm high and high.

thoughts in my head

2005-08-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

my downstairs neighbor has been real sweet. given me free access to the washer/dryer whenver i want. so should i bitch when she plays her music loud as hell at night?

that african comment regarding stds is really really beginning to bother me. i've had a couple of days to stew it over in my head and i get angrier and angrier. mr. gosh gosh can suck it!

i want a new life. a brand new life.

who will love me one day? what would he be like? where would he be from?
would i love him?

why is it that i get excited at the thought of being able to pay rent ON TIME?
it's the small things, really. the small fucking things that make me giddy.

not $300 suits and a i'm-all-women-want attitude.

i am not impressed

2005-08-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

saturday had date with mr. gosh gosh
mr. gosh gosh is possibly a metrosexual or gay.
he called me in the morning and informed me that he was dressed in business casual and i should dress appropriately for him... "so one of us doesn't look like we just left the laundromat and the other looks like they just left the office..."

i grimaced and called up a friend after hanging up with him.
wtf dude?

he shows me and there is no chemistry. at least not from me to him.
why anyone would be impressed by columbus, i don't know, but he was. again, he kept "goshing" about how wonderful columbus is. i rolled my eyes.

quick lunch.
movie.
drinks after movie.
shopping.

yes, well, shopping consisted of him buying me a suit and candles. very nice of him indeed. but it didn't impress me. nothing is free in this world and i know he wants something in return.

he knows i'm african. and so it stung something awful when he said "you don't have any diseases do you?"
"what do you mean?" i asked.
"any stds?"
"why do you ask that?"
"well, you know, they say africans have all these diseases..."

I should have asked him to leave right then. i should have. but i didn't. i bit my tongue and said instead "no, i don't have any stds."

he has invited me to chicago this weekend.
a whole three days with mr. ignorant gosh gosh.
wow... i can't wait!!

washington dc

2005-08-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

people watching while waiting for my flight at gate 35A.

black man - huge pot belly, young fairly attractive guy. leans to his side while reading his magazine. it bothers me that he raises the magazine up in the air and in front of his face to read it. is he trying to let everyone know what he is reading? anytime an attractive woman walks by, he lifts the magazine slightly to get a better look. i wonder about his life. where is he going? what is he about? is he a good friend? what the hell is he reading?

african man - sits alone at the far corner. looks around, people watching as well. has on some NY baseball hat but hasn't bothered to mold the bill of it to fit his style. so it just sits on top of his head. green jersey shirt with black jeans (who the hell wears black jeans these days? who pairs black jeans with black sneakers?). i don't like him for some reason. his skin tone reminds me of another man, whom i despise. he finally settles himself into the seat, stretching his long legs in front of him, slapping a phone to his ear and talking into it. i decide that i won't even like him as a friend.

bored white man - all i want to do is run my hands through his unruly curly brown hair. he looks bored. keeps looking at his phone and flipping it open. blue jeans, black t-shirt, blue shirt over it. i wonder if he is catching the same flight as i am? where is he going? what is he all about? i watch him watch other attractive women walk by. he just stares at them.

asian guy - sits two seats down from me. his head is thrown back over the seat, mouth open fast asleep. he suddenly wakes himself up.

announcer guy - i never really saw him. just heard his voice annoucing the planes. he sounded like fun, like he liked his job. "next up is flight 3321 to charlotte. don't leave because we'll be boarding soon... come one and come all if this is your flight. flight 3321 to charlotte... don't miss it or guess what? someone will be making that long drive tonight to charlotte!.... hey see these little yellow tags? they're for those bags that won't fit in the overhead compartment. take a yellow tag, give your bag to the attendant by the side of the plane and don't worry about your bags. your bag, our tags... the perfect marriage! coming attraction... flight 4050 to columbus... in about 20 minutes folks, you don't want to miss this one!"
he made everyone giggle in their seats. he made me smile.

coming back to columbus - this place looks like it's CLOSED. the city is dead. it felt like a lazy sunday afternoon on my drive home. except, on the highway, spotted a man attempting to jump off a bridge. felt sorry for him... just know that his life must be real hard for him right now. cops everywhere, traffic everywhere. all i want is my bed. my lovely bed.

the reason

2005-08-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

it's funny. the promise of something good makes me take down some of my defenses.
but i fall for it every time.
a smooth voice promises...
the temptation of a kiss lingers and i leave myself open like a fool.

no wonder it's hard for men to enter.
there are no promises a man can keep. i know this for a fact.
men are only as good as their options.

to be treated with decency. it's a simple request really.
but it's so hard to come by these days.

i'm shaking my head because i continue to be floored by the way i allow people to control me.
it would have ordinarily been a simple night in, watching movies.
but instead, i harass my cell phone wondering when he would call.
i watch the clock tick away seconds, minutes and hours.

it doesn't take much for me to cut you off. it really is the simple things.
like a phone call when promised. that's all.
i won't ever chase a man. i don't even know how to begin to do that.

hesteria

2005-08-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

it's like watching someone who has lost everything, who is totally down on their luck, and being puzzled about why the fcuk they are laughing.

i know why.

cuz there's just nothing else to do.

despite getting a $135 moving violation ticket this afternoon, i am in a pretty good mood.
despite my bank account being in a negative, i'm in a pretty good mood.
despite knowing that i only have food for this week only, i'm in a good mood.

i don't know man... it's like there's nothing else for me to do. i tried crying about it. it kinda helped but i felt silly. i tried ignoring my problems... but ignoring them has brought me to this current state of pure shockness. i tried "sleeping on it.." but that gave me ulcers. so why not laugh, huh?

it makes sense, to some.
i know things will get better (could be that is because everyone keeps saying that).

oh... i feel another ulcer coming on. must go.

hair

2005-08-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

hair.
it's one of those things most sacred to women. black women.
don't talk about my hair.
don't, please, don't touch my hair.
don't even... look at my hair.
my god, i hate my hair!!!

so this weekend, i decided to just cut my hair. halle berry short.
and i went out in public with short spiky funky looking short hair. to a wedding, no less.
and I got "wow...you look wonderful", "i love it", "wow...you look all woman!"

the praise was good. i soaked it up. oh, the praise was so good.
but for someone who has worn braids for the past twenty years, to shift to actual hair suddenly is a mad move.
that's why sunday found me back between the legs of my braider. micro braids.

messing with that works can be insanity.
embracing change, though, can be refreshing.
i chose to stay with what i know. what i'm comfortable with. what, essentially, won't make me too nervous for my friday interview. i chose to stick with what works.

friends

2005-08-20T00:43:00.000-07:00

what is it about the type of friends we keep?
those that add to our lives and those that love to subtract from our lives?
those that are always there... even when they are not there.
and those that are only there when they see something beneficial for them? do you still call these people friends?

someone said "i want to be spectacular. i want to be a spectacular person!"
what is a spectacular person? what do they do? how do they add to our lives?

i have been confiding in a "new" friend of late.
there's always that risk... that risk of opening yourself too much to someone new?
would they destroy you with the evidence of your weakness? do they really care?
why should anyone care about my issues? i mean, really care?
i chose to confide in someone new because they have not yet had the chance to form an "image" of me.
they have a clean slate in which they can draw their impression of me. untainted. unused.

but like all other humans, i found this new friendship due to our mutual disgust of another friend of ours.
it's a shame really.
because, now that i think of it, the slate is not really all that clean. of ourselves. this disgust that we feel is the glue that holds us right now. and i just hate that it has to be disgust that brings us together.

why can't it just be love? or something like it?

raining days

2005-08-16T08:00:00.000-07:00

when it's grey outside, the streets still wet from the rain, raindrops splashed on my windows and the air is cool it reminds me of living in the UK.

those mornings my mum used to force me to eat oatmeal and take two cod liver oil pills.
those mornings in school when i would stare out the window at the trees outside and wish for sun - any kind of sun.
those mornings when my thick wool stockings itched and early morning cartoons didn't excite me.
those mornings when i would hear my mum screaming for me to get out of bed, poking my head from under the sheets to see that outside was still dark.

those evenings when i would rush back home from school and the outside was still dark.
when i would see the floodlights of headlights flashing by, i smell something baking in the kitchen.

grey mornings remind me of better times.

opportunity

2005-08-15T18:39:00.000-07:00

i hate to say "i'll pass..."
especially on an opportunity that could change my life.
an opportunity where i could start to live the life i think i'm supposed to be living.

and it rips something inside of me to have to even pause about it, simply due to money.
it's easy for others to say "seize the opportunity when you can", "chase your dreams.."
but before all that can happen, doesn't money play into it?

i am sick to my stomach over fear. over money. over opportunities that are almost here.
and it isn't something i can explain.
just that there is this knot inside of me that makes food taste tasteless.

i keep counting the days when this would be over. 10, 20, 30 maybe 100 days.
this dream is so elusive.
it appears outside my window, chasing cars with pedigree names, chasing clothes with designer labels on it, chasing food other than ramen noodles.

i want to call it quits. but even that requires money.

this feeling

2005-08-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

there are very few people who "get me".
the feeling i get when i have had quite a bit of wine and some weed. that mellow yellow feeling tingling all over my body.
when i get that feeling from being with someone without having had the wine and the weed, i have found a good friend.

that's how i feel right now. mellow. yellow. floatless.
and it was all because i spent a surprising evening chatting with an old friend.
we just talked. her about her life. and me about everything but my life.

i hope this is one of those moments that will come rushing back to flash before my eyes the seconds before i die.

landlord

2005-08-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

my every waking thought is "please just let me make it... puh-leeeasee!"
and so today i find myself writing a sob letter to landlord.

dear landlord,

listen. i understand our relationship pretty well. you allow me to use your space in return for a set amount of money every month. when said set amount of money is late or never shows up, you have the right to show me the door.

i remember when i moved in about a year ago. i discovered to my horror that you had completely "forgotton" that i was to move in on august 1st. it was quite distressing to walk in to my new apartment and discover that i had no kitchen floor - i could see the downstairs apartment through the cracks, i had no plumbing - forcing me to live with my brother for a week until you rectified that problem, i had no screen door to the kitchen (and still don't, may i add) ensuring that every time i opened the door floods of flies would fly in, and that you have a leaky roof leaving an entire wall in my living room flaking paint all year round.

you apologised for everything. i knew i was still being raped up the ass when you still had the nerve to ask for half the rent that month and i paid it.

but i digress...

the point is, i am soo sorry for my lateness in rent. i just don't have the money right now. i could explain why i don't have the money but that is neither here or there. all you know is that i don't have the money.

so here's a post-dated check for sometime next week. you cash it before that date, we both will have more problems. i beg of you not to cash it before then. just understand that times are terribly rough for me right now. i will get back on my feet, if nothing else, just to get you off my back about rent.

so again, terribly sorry about this. it's not the way i am or want to be. it's just... my current situation.

please understand.

yours,
tenent.

old

2005-08-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

when did i become so old at 26?

the trick to getting me to go out is to catch me before i get home and take off my bra.
the instant relief of having my bra off means that i am in for the night.
don't make plans to meet "around 10pm" because most likely, you won't see me.
don't have me come to a show of yours that starts at midnight, because dude, by then i am fast asleep.

it didn't always use to be that way.
my bras didn't always used to bother me so.
in fact, i used to look forward to hanging out late, thinking that the night had begun around 11pm.

but these days, the night usually ends around 8pm for me.

the most striking thing is that i have become to loathe the company of some people. most people, actually.
the ones that make it all about them instantly.
for some reason, those are the type of people that always want me to hang out with them.
because, i guess, i make them feel good because i actually bother to listen to them and entertain them.

no more.
being selfish with my time in now my number one priority.

it's the small things...

2005-08-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

all day long i dodge credit bill callers with ease.
but it's as i glide into the corner store and cut my eyes at the store clerk does my day really end with a high note.

"you have sparkle eyes." he informs me.
i smile. "parliaments please..."
"these are 100s... you'll spend all day smoking." he teases.

i've taken this week off jogging due to the pulled rib muscle. now i just feel my food just SITTING in my stomach.
so i forced myself to go for a walk.
except i walked in the rain. grey skies overhead, my stomach still in knots over my bills.

broke is as broke does

2005-08-10T05:11:00.000-07:00

people seem SHOCKED that i am broke.
"what do you mean you have no money?"
"don't you work for the government?"

questions like that piss me off.
i know the reason i am broke. stupid decisions of mine.
yet, when i decline to go to an event or go out simply because i can't afford to, people get annoyed. like, i ruined their day with my "can't, broke" response.

it's gonna take me a minute to get back squarely on my feet.
once i do, having money to count (even if it's just ten dollars) will be my goal.

aryee.... i don't even have two nickles to rub together.

my place

2005-08-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

i could sit for hours and watch dust particles play in the sunlight streaming onto the lounger in the living room.
i could turn my head lazily, glance up and out the window at the tree just outside the front door, that is almost dead yet still alive at the same time.

i love walking into my kitchen around the same time the sun is rising and be greeted with a burst of orange so warm that i always always smile.
and then heaven is mine when i inhale my first sip of coffee.

it tickles me that i can look out my "office window" and watch as my window screen is being attacked by the ivy plant.
i slide from room to room in barefeet over polished hardwood floors and i slowly sigh.

my my my... what do we have here?
a wine bottle, half full indeed.
a pack of cigarettes.
jill scott moaning in the background.

this is my place.

things

2005-08-08T15:56:00.000-07:00

i want smaller breasts.
i want to be financially stable.
i want five really really close friends.
i want peace of mind.
i want energy to last for days.
i want sex on the top of a mountain in a rusty old cabin.
i want sex.... now.
i want to dictate my time to me only.
i want a yippy yappy yappy toy dog.
i want to be silly.
i want to be in a girl-fight where i actually kick ASS.
i want to be cute (er).
i want straight jet black hair.
i want model type legs.
i want to laugh till i pull a stomach muscle.
i want his hands massaging my butt for no reason.
i want whispers in my ear, tears in my eyes, and a glass of white wine in one hand.

and... i want to be speeding in a race car and lose control at the wheels.
i want to be able to NOT care if i die or if i live.

i want to be able to say to some God "if you're responsible for this (earth!), shame on you. why don't you just end this by calling us all AT ONCE, instead of one by one? i hate you!"

i want yoga toned body.
i want to hear the words "i love you" and not freak the fcuk out.

what we want

2005-08-08T15:24:00.000-07:00

we want what we can't have. fact.
we want what we are not. fact.
but when we want what we claim to be but are not... we are not real.

so in thinking about the man i want, i searched inside first.
there's nothing wrong with standards.

won't date a drug addicted fool.
won't date someone who just "pretends to be alive".
won't date a momma's-boy.
won't date a johnny-come-lately.
won't date someone with no drive, no ambition, no gusto!
won't date a freak.

but at the same token, i find it hard to describe exactly what i want. i just know what i don't want.
hence the problem... can't get what you want when you don't know what you want.

my online dating experience has been quite awful. and i think it's because i just accept any offer that comes my way. and that smacks of DESPERATE if nothing else does. but desperate is not what i am. i can, and will, WAIT.

but this isn't a woe-is-me post.
it's just me realizing that i might have to give some in order to get alot.
but... can i just complain a little? what the fcuk is wrong with columbus, ohio men? is it the water? is it the too fresh corn field air we breathe? just what is it?!!

on other news - still broke. pulled a rib muscle while jogging over the weekend (how exactly does one do that? beats me, but i managed to do it nonetheless).

mr gosh-gosh

2005-08-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

should i be suspicious of my next online date who sounds like a blushing school-girl?
i don't know. something about his voice screams GAY to me.

worry

2005-08-03T17:03:00.000-07:00

my stomach is in knots over money.
this evening, my hands were shaking so much i could hardly write.
it was time for a sob story to landlord... i tried not to throw up while talking to him, so sick was i.

rushed home, stumbled into kitchen, grabbed bottle of wine and chugged.
i felt better for a second.
my home suddenly seemed like it was caving in on me.

why can't i just survive without worrying myself to death?
why can't i just handle my money like a responsible person?
i know i have certain bills that must be paid each month... no need to postpone any of them, it'd just add up.

i have no patience for those that make stupid mistakes.
i should take that same attitude with self.
i just want to live worry free for one month. see what that's like.

africa, oh africa

2005-07-31T20:36:00.000-07:00

it bothers me when black americans refer to africa as "home". especially when they have never been there.
as a true african, i know that africans don't necessarily welcome black americans with open arms.
there are some issues there that stand in the way.

africa isn't home to anyone.
it remains a place that is shattered with famine, war, disease, unease, poverty, rape, death, evil and more.

when black americans say they are from africa, i wonder if they know where exactly.
who exactly are they referring to.

it's a shame really. this need to claim somewhere as ours. this greed, really.

my home is nigeria, but i don't claim it.
i'm looking right now at my new blue american passport.
i suppose i should now claim america as my new home.
but... i don't either.

i'm forever in transit.

sunrise

2005-07-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

with sleep still in my eyes, i stumbled past Rubi and jogged up the hill.
this is my neighborhood, still asleep at 7am.
i see my regulars as they jog past me.
i see the brown dog sitting on the porch, who always yawns as i jog past.

"morning!" cries out an old lady.
"mornin'" i puff back

this is my neighborhood.
where old ladies walk their dogs.
where old men wave to you as you run past and even run up to meet you and and hand you a protein bar. "for your strength!" he said.

i puff and i puff and i puff.
and i say over and over again in my head "i can i can i can!"

abba and wine

2005-07-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

"one of us is crying... one of us is lying..." goes the song.

drinks with girlfriends in swanky new spot in town. arrived late, after parking nightmare, thought the whole time was out that my car would be towed and my stomach tied itself in knots because there is no way i would be able to pay for that.

"one of us is crying..."

looked up from the bar and spotted chocolate sitting, lips full and so kissable. he was cute. alone. very cute.
girlfriends noticed him too. that's the problem in this town, any man, any sane looking black man is a desperate catch. there are no good black men available here. you find one, you better keep him tight and close to home.

so i ignored him. but caught his eyes a few times.

"want another glass of wine?" bartender nodded to my empty glass.

"...smiling, having fun. feeling like the number one."

i nodded and smiled. why the fcuk not, huh?

spicy calamari, another glass and cute chocolate ended up paying for our tab - at least, our drinks anyway. we all waved, smiled and chorused "thanks!".

i noticed him leaving. just knew that when i looked up again, he was gone.

the night went on. laughing with girlfriends, getting drunk, watching TLC.

but the most joy, the spentacolous (yes, not a real word) is having rubi to sleep with tonight. i get her again for the weekend. such pure simple tickle-me-silly joy!!

toilet as my new best friend

2005-07-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

when you get food poisoining, it's always an unpleasant experience.
except when you get to take the day off and say fcuk it and get a two hour lunch date!
but i did drag myself into work just for an hour long meeting for a lobbyist.
the same lobbyist i spotted checking out girls on the steps of the capitol building yesterday during my smoke break.
i made it into work just minutes before he arrived in my office.

i wonder why he told me about his wife and his kids. does that make him more stable? more a regular guy and not the pervet i thought he was? who knows...

but i've been asleep most of the day.
but i've also been in the toilet just as much.

it was a shocker for my lunch date when he discovered i didn't get the job. he actually had no words to say about it.
"that job was yours!". yeah brother, i know.

i have to think something good will come out of it.
going to interviews when you already have a good job is like a married person going on dates. to see if they still have "it". and damn it, i still have "it".

i guess today is all about rejection

2005-07-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

it wasn't that i was pinning all my hopes on this one job opportunity.
it's just that i wanted a different kind of chance to do more of me.
and i had thought that this job would allow that.

it came down to me and this other person.
it finally came down to the other person.

and the call today was very sweet. "damn... you made my job very hard. i would be honored to become a reference for you if you would like. in fact, i'll go job hunting for you!"

is that a compliment or an insult? if i am that good, why not just hire me?

i almost feel like i should brace myself for the depression that would soon hit. not depression to the point where i can't function, but depression to the point where... i might just take a day off to "think about things!"

reject

2005-07-26T07:48:00.000-07:00

ever since saturday and the question "can i make love to you?" from A, i've been feeling kinda stupid about myself. like, did i bring this on me? did i act slutty, look slutty for him to ask that ridiculous question? do i give off this sex vibe that i am not aware of?

so, as it has become customery for me to do, i emailed him a reject letter. just like i did for E.

"dear fcuktard! you did a 'no-no' by asking for sex on the first date. shoulda been more careful, shame u weren't. please don't try to contact me again. buh-bye!"

ah. i feel much better now. kinda how i feel after i've taken a dump.

jogging

2005-07-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

on the mornings when i manage to drag myself out of bed to go jogging, i jog past a house that has these enormous red and white flowers.
flowers as big as my head. they are so pretty, i often think of stealing a couple.
this morning as i ambled by, i noticed a creature lying lazingly by the flowers.

now... you should know that i am a functioning blind person. i can't see. i should wear glasses. but i don't.
so in the relatively short distance between me and the creature, i couldn't make out if it was a small dog or a cat or even a squirrel.

so i kept on jogging.

date with A

2005-07-24T09:42:00.000-07:00

a half hour before i was to meet A for the first time, i still hadn't heard from him.
backstory first - he was supposed to call me with directions to his place. for whatever reason, his car is in NYC and we are in Ohio. so since i have a car, i was to pick him up. not to be materialistic here, but for me, that was already a sour point. however, A is a pilot and that fact alone kept me going.

so here i am at home, wondering if i will be stood up. fuck it, i thought, i'd call and see.
he answered all happy to hear my voice. directions were gotten and i headed out. a whole hour later.
A lives as far away as possible, when i started to think "where the fuck does he live?!"
got lost because the streets were he lives like to repeat their names. i turned from a spruce drive onto another spruce drive and totally lost it. finally finally reached him.

"hi."
"there you are!"

then off we went to the zoo. i had expected him to pay for my entrance to the zoo, so i was shocked when i had to pay my own way. zoos are a whole 'nother drama onto themselves. saw a flock of amish folks with baby strollers walking about. saw elephants (asian elephants... was so proud of myself to be able to know the difference without looking at the descriptions of them!), lions who looked totally bored, manatees who were all asleep, a cougar who wanted to escape, a bald eagle who stood so stiff i suspected she might be a fake, and a grizzly bear so cuddly i wanted to hug it.

half way through the zoo, he reached over and pulled me to him. somehow i welcomed it. though i still wanted some distance between us. no need to act like love struck teenagers in public.

after the zoo, i was so hungry i got a headache. i wanted to go home but he wanted the date to keep going on. so on we went, to dinner. had seafood and headache went away. i refused to pay for my own dinner, so i left to go to the restrooms when the bill came, to see if he would pick up the tab. he did.

then... then we made out. on my couch. and while it was good, his kisses didn't do all that much for me.
and then the shocker of all happened. he asked if he could "make love" to me. this is our first date.
er... "no!" i said. wtf dude?

so dropped him off and escaped to one of my girlfriend's house for a drink and to reharsh the date experience.
A had made plans to see me the next day for a movie, but... i don't to. he will expect "it" tonight! and i don't want to have the "hey i like you but we should go slow" conversation with him.

he kept calling me sweet and beautiful and kept stroking my face. all nice and well but...
there simply isn't enough chemistry there for me.

arrgh.

well, i have another blind date on monday to look forward to. this time it will be with N. N makes me laugh on the phone. N seems sure of himself, and while he is white, he has this fascination with black women. that's where i come in. i'm black.

what excuse could i give A today when he calls expecting me to see him?
so so so not excited about him.

sometimes...

2005-07-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

sometimes a phone conversation can be the deciding factor.
between yes and no or maybe.
his voice is heavly accented. i imagine that he could say certain words that will make me weak in the knees.
but i also noticed a bit of dorkiness too - like his laugh.
and that made me pause.

actually, that made me remember R. and just how different the two of us are/were. and how ultimately i just couldn't get excited about the same things he did.

but A's voice sounds smooth, like rum.
he sounds like he could be easily ticklish.

but, i have to also listen to that quiet quiet voice. that voice that simply asks "but why no excitement? huh?"

sometimes things happen that make it all seem so pointless.

i've had to take stock lately. mentally counting all the things i think are important to me.
i notice my friends and i sigh, not with happiness, but with dread. because... they're really not my friends.
i notice my family. how we are all doing our own things. and i realize i only really know them on the surface. i don't know them at all.
i notice my work. my world. my world. my world. and i realize i desperately want to be somewhere else.
yet this date... this date that i have coming up soon... it still can't manage to make me giddy.

this can't also be good.

sayings...

2005-07-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

sayings/phrases i like:

i'm sweating like a christmas goat
tighter than a duck's arse (must be said with a brit accent)
duuude

it's been annoying

2005-07-20T12:42:00.000-07:00

just a little rant here.

i don't conversate on the phone. hardly. i have very short conversations, get right to the point and promptly hang up.

so naturally, it sucks-a-pig's-ass to have to share an office with co-worker who talks ALL DAMN day on the phone. granted, it's all work related, but she can easily spend an hour on a phone over dumb shit - like scheduling an appointment.

today she can sense i am a bit pissed. she doesn't know why though. she can just tell from my very short answers to her questions.

date a-brewing

2005-07-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

i have a date.
on friday.
and possibly saturday too (if I like him enough)

whaddaya know? i managed to snag myself a date.
and impress him enough on the phone for him to say i sound sweet and down to earth.
but i guess they all say that.

back to one again

2005-07-15T16:54:00.000-07:00

been offered a deal. to have rubi taken away from me and into a good home.
because i'm so broke, the deal is very sweet to me.
but i already love the little bitch.

even though she knows how to get herself out of her crate.
even though when she is playing and lunges for my ankles, it scares the living lights out of me.
even though she doesn't seem to really like me, just tolerates me.
even though she acts like a slut and runs after anyone who walks by when i take her outside.
i still love her.

thought

2005-07-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

a friend sent me this random thought today in my gmail account.

"some people are like slinkys. they are good for nothing. but they put a smile on your face as you push them down a flight of stairs."

this thought couldn't have been more perfect for me today.

are we DEAD yet?

2005-07-13T09:26:00.000-07:00

my patience flew right out the window last night.
it was because of her. my mother!!!! (yes, it deserved four exclamation marks.)

my brother - the one with the psyco wife and cute cute 7 month old son - came over and RESCUED me from my mother.
he did it in the best possible way ever.
he simply took her away.

she flies back to nigeria this afternoon.
for real, part of me is now literally BROKEN because of her.
there is nothing more to be said.

except, maybe, "sorry".

hopeless

2005-07-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

i'm in a funky mood. the kind of mood that sends off nasty vibes.
i'm in this mood for alot of reasons.
reasons number 1 and 33 is because of people. and their fucked up opinions.

the other reasons, i think, have to do with love.
or lack thereof.

not love in the happy-sappy sense.
but love in the sense of really having someone to connect with who totally understands me.

but the other reasons, the ones that leave me pissed off with people, could be highlighted perfectly by a conversation i overheard last night. i'm sitting at my desk, typing something, and my mother's phone rings. it's my sis in chicago.

"baby!!" my mum cries out. already, her voice has that stressed out tone in it that she doesn't realize it has. the type of stressed out tone that immediately makes the person she is talking to tense, even if it's just for a second. it's almost as if you are expecting bad news to follow that "baby!".

my sister says something and then my mum pauses and sighes "you sound so tired..." she says. my sis is a freshly minted doctor, doing those almost impossible 24-hr shifts at the hospital. of course, she's tired. i figured she was just calling to say her daily "good-night", didn't really want to talk because she was tired but wanted to make a quick call nonetheless.

"you not well... are you eating already... what about the vitamins? are you taking them? your diet is not good... you don't eat enough meat... you sound so sick.." my mother continues.

now see, i know my sister. i know how her emotions are constantly on the surface and the smallest little thing could set her off. i imagine that in her stressed out tired state, the last thing she needs is a nagging mother on the other end of the phone. it is the very last thing she needs.

i softly tell my mother to just say goodnight and hang up. i tell her that asking silly questions that have no immediate answer right now would not do my sister any good. my mum ignores me.

"when was the last time you ate fish? your diet is mostly vegetables... you should get some vitamins." she ploughs on.

i finally turn away from my laptop and raise my voice "mum... just say bye and hang up!" I urge. my mum, i'm sure, thinks i'm being insensitive. but it is the opposite.

finally, i hear the conversation winding down. mum is now mumbling a few words but mostly listening to whatever it is my sister is saying. but then, all of a sudden, my mum raises her voice and almost shouts into the phone "hello? hello!! hello? can you hear me? helloooo!" in this really frightening voice.

i brace myself, look at her with a puzzeld look, and then i hear my sister crying on the other end of the phone. my mum, through her frenzied sometimes-fucked up thinking, has frightened her. it was just static on the phone line, no need to panic, but my mother turned static into a full blown panic situation. and now my sister is in tears, because the very last nerve she was working on after more than a day and half in the hospital non-stop, has now been torn. she lost it.

"HANG UP!" i yell.
mum finally hangs up. tears are in her eyes, for now she realizes what she just did.
i shake my head. "mum, don't you realize the effect you have on her? especially now. she's tired, stressed out, just wants to sleep. now here you go adding to that for no good reason. are you proud of yourself?"

my mum walks away from me. my sister is left shattered in chicago.

that conversation is the exact reason i'm in a funky mood. because people just don't have sense at all. some people just get in the way alot of the time. some people make me ache.

maybe i'm just aching for someone to save me.

new attitude

2005-07-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

ok this is the new attitude that i am going to adopt when it comes to rubi.

i will not fuss over every little thing and rush her to the emergency room. it won't happen.
while over at a friends, rubi was acting weird, crying and whining and crying non stop.
sure, she whines and cries at home, but she usually stops.
and while over there she was running around and playing with my friend's dog.

then she turns to me and says "rubi's stomach is too big... look at it... there could be something wrong"
she calls her vet, her vet says it might be BLOAT which is deadly and to take rubi to the hospital (vet).
in a panic, i think "oh my god rubi could die..." so i call the emergency vet hospital and tell them that all i have to go on here is that rubi's stomach is big and some vet in chicago thinks she might have BLOAT.

they seem to think i should be worried about it and bring her in. it would cost me close to $100.

so i leave, intending to head to the hospital, instead i go home.
once home, rubi starts to act normal. in fact, she curled up and went to sleep. no fuss, no huss.

looking back over the night, i think the real reason she was crying and whining so much was that her friend had put her in a crate and covered the entire crate with a blanket so she couldn't see out. i have a crate for rubi but i don't cover it up... she can always hear and see me. the covered crate simply freaked her out.

so from now on, i won't fret. puppies will be puppies and i know there will be moments when she will have my heart in my mouth and i would faint from the sheer fear of something awful happening to her. but i will try not to panic in those moments and sell my soul just to make her better. because in the very very bitter end, i know what will speak the loudest to me in those sudden-death situations - when i'm faced with several hundreds (even thousands) of dollars in vet emergency care to make her better or to walk away and have her die. in those situations my pocket will scream the loudest.

i would choose to walk away.
she's just a dog.
not my child.
just a dog.

he said...

2005-07-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

"i'm engaged!! alright, talk to you later."

that was the message he left on my cell.
this is my 23 yr old brother, engaged to a thirty something year old with three children.

my heart dropped. i gasped.
i emailed my "concerns", realizing that at this moment he needed cheers and excitement from people.

when i called to ask specifics, he hung up on me. and my old self would have called back and kept calling till he took my call and until i got a chance to say what i wanted to say. but i didn't call and probably won't.

he's confused as to why no one seems to be happy for him. he thinks that i am looking at his situation through my own eyes and not his - whose eyes other than mine are my supposed to see things through? he said that no one understands... blah blah.

i'm just secretly jealous at how a thirty some year old with three kids managed to snag my brother. maybe i'm bias but my brother is one of the "few" black men that are doing something positive with their lives. he's not into drugs, likes to have fun, is responsible and very loyal. and for her to come along with her large baggage and get him speaks volumes for her. she has that "thing" i guess... or it could simply be that he likes older women.

nonetheless, it is a bittersweet moment for us all. my heart goes to my mother, who must now be thinking that her four children have done so well up until last year - the other brother managed to marry a pyscho and have a kid by her, driving us all into unknown hell, and here comes the youngest of her babies saying he's engaged to someone so much older than him.

as for me and my sis, we'll stay put. no need to rock the cradle anymore this year.

washer dryer

2005-07-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

it doesn't take much to make me very happy.
like having access to do my laundry for FREE.
a washer dryer was installed in the dingy basement of my building, courtesy of my neighbor (who, by the way, has been having sex ALL day... i know, cuz i can hear them).

anyway, just put a load in.
gosh, this makes me really giddy.

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Why I won't be watching Live 8

2005-07-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Why I won't be watching Live 8

amen David stubbs. amen.
dido? ya kidding, right? and celin?

live 8

2005-07-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

i just don't know really...
being a child of a third world country, i don't think that simply eliminating debt would solve africa's problems.
sure, money helps some but...

a total and 180 degree change must first happen.
like eliminating the current leaders of african countries.
almost brainwashing folks into a better... thinking.

just how the hell would bono singing help a six year old who has been starving all week?
we talk about "help africa" while sitting in total comfort, and some of us refuse to go over there to see for ourselves the utter despair most people live in daily.

nigeria received debt relief from the paris club. some progress, but it still just makes me wonder.

there is no magic solution. i think we can only help those who really want to help themselves and some african countries just aren't ready for that kind of help. certainly not the kind of help live 8 wants to offer.

06-25-05_1840

2005-06-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

06-25-05_1840,
originally uploaded by nanaturtle.

this rubi rubi.
very quiet she is.
right now chilling in my lap.

rubi

2005-06-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

rubi is the new addition to me.
a seven week old chocolate lab.
my mum decided to call her Rubi.

the decision to have a dog wasn't all that sudden. it seems that way.
landlord would be PISSED but that's OK.

i am already in love and want Rubi to be the best dog that she can be.

Rubi Rubi Rubi. Sound intoxicating doesn't it?

not right

2005-06-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

something is up with me.
not quite right, not quite there.

work has been hellish.
my private life has been weird
family... while fun, is sometimes just in the way of something else.

this moment that i am existing in... i have to seize it before i wake up 20 years from now and realize i am somewhere else completely. i could very easily become comfortable just existing.

mummy

2005-05-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

,
originally uploaded by heather.

she arrived today from nigeria. she will be staying with me. my heart is all squeezed... we just don't have the best mother daughter relationship.

so this pic by heather looks like how i feel.

car toilet

2005-05-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS | Technology | UK company launches in-car toilet

now this is interesting. i think normal people with regular bowel movements might like this.

chicago + love

2005-05-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

my lil sis is moving. to chicago. two whole states away.
and i went along... to help move.
move furniture up five flights of stairs. run back down those stairs only to repeat again, with my arm full of stuff.
again and again and again.

and then... we decided to go downtown to Michigan avenue and window shop.
and we walked for another three miles. up and down and up and down the street.

and then i said "i think i have a blister." and i have to buy emergency flip-flops. because, wise me, wore sneakers with no socks.

and then... we headed back to ohio. except this time the van was empty, allowing us to take turns sleeping on the van floor as the other drove.

tonight, i was so tired i wasn't talking in complete sentences.

futue

2005-05-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

here is a gem of an idea i got from a meeting today:

- how do you avoid being the last to arrive at the future? if you are last to arrive, then you are just a guest in the future. decisions will already have been made for you.

the past few days have been surrounded by some rather somber thoughts of mine. thoughts like - as black people, we are doomed. there is no leader for us - and the rev. jesse jackson does not represent me or my thoughts. i am sick of world leaders referring to him to get the "pulse" on black america. how dare president fox have a talk with rev. jesse jackson and al sharpton (wtf?) to ease the situation created after his oh-so-true-comment about mexicans and black people?!

all rev. jesse jackson does well is seemingly to be in the middle of every crisis. a human vegetable brought the nation to an almost standstill and he was there. president bush got re-elected and it was an issue and he was there... spearheading the fight to defeat his victory. he's tired. he's stale. he's no longer relevant.

but who could be the next leader? i think people just want to be saved. they wait around for someone to fix things, solve their problems, make things ok. maybe the question of who is the next black leader isn't the right question. maybe the question is - when will we wake up? what will it take to really piss us off?

BBC NEWS | South Asia | Teach-yourself computing for kids

2005-05-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

BBC NEWS | South Asia | Teach-yourself computing for kids

this story warms my heart. something about the brillance of the human mind. something about how things... when left alone... sort themselves out naturally.

a gadget freak, i am, this is simply delightful.

on other news - i thought, due to my ridiculous gas bill, that the heat had been turned off. since spring is refusing to come to columbus, it is fucking cold in my apartment. my little space heater has been working over time. and so tonight, i turned the heat on... just hoping y'know... and it TURNED ON... BURSTING WITH HEAT.

family

2005-04-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

sometimes we treat those we work with better than family.
our work relationships mean more... often more money.

i am thankful for the moments i get to steal with my sister.
oh my god, they mean so much to me!

but there is always work.
and sadly, family will always be there too.
in the background.

Mighty Girl

2005-04-25T17:59:00.000-07:00

Mighty Girl

crowd, people, guns, death.
bad mix really.
really.

tart

2005-04-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

there's something so clean feeling about new bedsheets. so refreshing really.
won't mention how long it's been since i changed the sheets.

sadly, it wasn't because of some risky action that made me changed the sheets.
the bed pounding activities would have to wait.

ahhh... clean sheets. what a revoluntion!

saturday

2005-04-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting at my office desk and i look up and glance outside.
my neighbor always parks his orange van underneath this huge ass tree by his house.
because it's been snowing, raining and windy today.... the branches of that tree look like it's slapping his van something ugly. the branches are hanging low and just attacking this poor van.

i watch, while smoking a cigarette.

black'ums

2005-04-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

tonight at a meeting i was informed that us black folks do and don't do certain things. take a look-see, huh:

we don't read shit - don't send me nothing to read
we respond to emotion
we need to see ya, feel ya, hear ya - you need to have a physical presence to have an impact
we don't respond to "theory" and "research" - those things are too abstract
we're moral
we understand that "hell is real"
and... sometimes, we just don't know no better.

today at work, my co-worker made me spit out my drink in laughter. i had said something in passing and she asked "why come?"

why come? as in "why did that happen?" as in "how come?"

the drugs

2005-04-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

i just had a *moment*
here i am, sitting listening to music that's making my brain spin in delight, and i'm surrounded by three things:

pack of cigs
glass of wine
my bong

and the moment was when i reached for my drugs, i actually paused midway because i couldn't really decide which one i wanted the most. that pause seemed like it lasted like centuries long.

i decided on my pack of cigs.

the flag

2005-04-12T17:18:00.000-07:00

as an honor in becoming a new citizen of this country, the flag that was flown over the nation's capitol building was sent to me.
i received it yesterday, along with a certificate that states that this is the actual flag.

and so i am on a high. even the $600 GAS BILL that i received for my drafty as hell apartment can't bring me down. it's one of those bills that i am like "yeah... so about that... right... " wtf?!!

anyway, the flag is here. the flag is here.

to those that hold hands

2005-04-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

while jogging... it is not wise to hold the hands of your partner.
i'm just saying is all.

it's the end baby

2005-04-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

so i haven't been feeling current lover boy ever since he uttered the words "i love you".
part of me feels like he broke his end of the bargain. in the very beginning, i told him just how far i wanted to get involved with him. it did not include falling in love. it did not include him naggging me about missing me or wanting to spend time with him. it did not include him wondering what i was up to.

so, yeah, while i am mentally over him and done, he does not fully know this yet.
i need to talk to him sometime this weekend.
i need to let him know.

the week away

2005-03-27T07:53:00.000-08:00

i've been away. no suprise there.
but the week was the most memorable of my life so far.
last week, i became an american.
last week, my name changed - because i became an american.
last week, while in DC, the american flag that flies above the nation's capital was given to me!!! because, again, i became an american.

it certainly pays to know people in high places. i am truly honored.

last week, while at a pub in DC, the crowd sang "american pie" to me in all their off key notes. and i loved it.

last week.... is now this week but i am still smiling.

him

2005-03-17T19:32:00.000-08:00

he has begun to annoy me.
our schedules (well, really mine) has kept us away from each other. i had warned him about this.
yet, he calls and moans about how much he misses me. he actually whines about it.
and when i told him that i had tried to prepare him for this he says "yeah i know...but...'

but there is no "but". it's just what it is.
and i also reminded him that i am not a lovey-dovey type of girl. in fact, lovey-dovey turns me OFF.
so when i don't respond with a "i miss you too" comment, he asks me if i miss him. and when i reply "yeah", he asks if that is true.

over ice cream tonight with my sister, she said that i am the type of woman that ruins men for the good women. because i treat them so bad. that any other woman would yearn for a man to call and cry about how much he misses her.

but he totally ruined things for me (well, really, us) when he said "you know i love you."
my response was "really?"
see... now he would want to reciprocate that to him. and i just can't. and i won't. and he would just have to deal or leave.
which, is fine really. because he has turned me off.

argh. i really just wish he would deal. and not sound like the world is trying to kill him when i call him. because, you know, he misses me.

my day

2005-03-12T18:14:00.000-08:00

today i turn 26. i don't feel 26. whenever i am around my boss i feel like i'm 18. whenever i am around my sister i feel like i am still 20.
all i know is that i have graduated to another age bracket: the 26-30 age bracket. i am no longer 25-and-under. am i supposed to feel older? is the fact that i am now in love with this cream chaise in Z Gallerie store meant to mean that i am more mature? more sophisticated? more aware? i think it just means that i like the damn chaise.

and maybe it's because of the book i am now reading, but all i wanted for my birthday was a bottle of wine, some weed and a pack of cigarrettes.

and today i woke up, callled my mother in nigeria just so i could hear her sing happy birthday to me in her off key voice. went back to bed. woke up, called my sister and giggled with her over the phone. took a shower, brushed teeth, applied make up and changed outfits twice before heading out to an early dinner with m family. but before i reached the restaurant, i stopped by Carol's Cake to pick up the turtle cake that current lover boy ordered for me. (see, he ordered it for me and was meant to pick it up, pay for it and bring it to me this morning before he headed out of town. but he didn't do any of that. i had to go pick it up and PAY FOR IT myself. i paid for my own damn birthday cake!!! so how pissed am i at him?)

and how cool is it that right now... right this second, my itunes has picked my very very very favorite song to play.

funny feelings... that you don't love me anymore... funny feelings... funny feelings... that you don't love me anymore!

and i heard from my ex today. he didn't wish me happy birthday because he forgot. i didn't remind him.

and i think i might go to the movies later on tonight. like maybe catch the last showing (at midnight) of any movie by myself. i don't want to be around anybody really on this day.
i think i had made plans with friends to go to Zola's tonight. i want to call and cancel.

i was to sit in my apartment, on my futon lounger, a glass of wine in one hand and good book in another. i really just don't want to be bothered.

it's my day.

this weight thing

2005-03-06T18:08:00.000-08:00

so after three days of hacking out my lungs from this cold, i finally went jogging/speed walking this evening.
from the last time i weighed myself, i have lost TWO POUNDS!!
yeah, i know, it's not a lot and it's probably from the fact that I have been cold and not able to eat much.

looking ahead to this week, i must be steadfast and keep to this diet.
if only i wake up when my alarm clock goes off in the morning, i would be able to jog everyday.

eh... new week, new plans, new opportunities.

Oh say can YOU see...

2005-03-04T20:37:00.001-08:00

so the department of homeland security has deemed me a worthy candidate to become a citizen of de united states of ameri-Kah!

the letter was all official looking and I am to "report" to my swearing in ceremony sometime later this month.

for someone who went kicking and screaming into this process of becoming an american, i am now giddy with joy. thanks mum for pestering me about it.

i owe this to you.

it's been swell

2005-03-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

my office is a recycling bin for germs. each week we rotate to the next person to get sick.
this week it was me.
i sit here sniffling, missing out on a fundraiser with free food and OMIGOD free wine!

the diet thing... went well over the weekend but didn't work out.
yesterday... eh
today... bleh...

so yeah, it's going just great!! though looking forward to seeing "stephanie" later on tonight.

the day AFTER the explosion

2005-02-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

yesterday was my version of HELL. and by this i mean BURSTING into TEARS right at my desk and then locking myself in the bathroom for an hour and splashing water on my face (especially eyes) to get the RED out.

yesterday saw me cursing out the assistant to our party's (democrat) chair. and him timidly calling today to see if i was "any better".

but yesterday is over THANK THE SWEET BABY JESUS.

i know... i didn't talk about it here yesterday. instead i got home and was immediately enveloped with the comfortness that is my place. chatted online for a bit and then went to bed.

except... i was still MAD and didn't really sleep so i was up at 4 AM (let me repeat that... 4 AM!!!!) reading and playing around on laptop.

so today...

mood: quiet alright thank you very much.
food: yogourt, small cup of soup, half a tuna sandwich, scoop of chicken/mashed potatoes mixture and toast.
# of ciggies: erm...6 (as of right now... the night is not over yet).

i was supposed to eat nothing all day and then eat a big dinner, but I know me and I know that I would just about go crazy if I did that cold so... this is quite a small amount of food for me on any day.

tomorrow... the plan is to sleep in quite late so I eat less. yes... good plan.

weight

2005-02-24T16:28:00.000-08:00

mood: pissed
food: water, green pasta w/ chicken, one slice of quiche, one yogurt
exercise: jogging/walking

i am going to attempt to keep track here of my weight loss plan. mind you, i am not holding my breath on this one but I WILL TRY.

pollyanna and i are doing this together so maybe just knowing that someone else is doing this too will help me alot.

good luck pollyanna!!

iPod

2005-02-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

funny thing with the iPod...
as i was waiting for my citizenship interview, i plugged in my iPod because i thought it was going to be a long wait.
a lady walked out of the office and apparently said something.
i listened away... trying to remember all my answers to the questions.
the lady repeated herself, pausing at the door.

something told me to unplug my iPod and I heard her say my name.
oops.

as i walked into her office, she asked "is that an iPod? i've always wanted one..."

valentines

2005-02-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

valentine's day is officially over and thank the dear lord for that.

mine was just the worst day so far for me.

and it was all because of black people. the stupid way they try to run things.
we had reservations for dinner at this premier black restaurant in town. i had told lover boy to begin with that i didn't like this restaurant but he insisted so i thought "what the hell, sure let's go." but after waiting three hours and not being served our food, i think he now fully understands why i hate this restaurant. the sky will have to truly begin to fall for me to enter that place again.

a plague on you brownstone on main... for everything that you think you are BUT are not!

cringe

2005-02-11T20:28:00.000-08:00

how bad does a movie have to be to make you squirm in your seat?
will smith oh-he-that-does-not-know-he-is-married-to-me... was the only thing worth watching.

and then my crazy mind thought half way through the movie - "i wonder what kinds of hell he and the producers/actors/directors had to go through to show a black man kissing a white girl...?" because though this society acts like it has accepted US, it has not - let's not forget that simple fact.

the movie was so bad that afterwards my sister screamed "let's go get a drink!"

and so we did.

on another note - i was told by a coworker that i come from a special place in hell because i fart and then annouce it to anyone who may be near... just in case they should die from smelling the lethal bombs i let explode. i was flattered. because not only do i apparantely come from hell, i come from a special place in hell.

and then over drinks, we discussed my crazy sister-in-law. and i don't use the word "crazy" lightly, because she really is crazy with bi-polar disorder. and we discussed her crazy assed friends who seem to love her being crazy. and the shit hit the fan really when we declared that we really hated her for what she is putting my brother through.

and so ends my week.

happy

2005-02-10T15:49:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i should be happy today or sad.
my days are now like blurs.
my nights are spent passing out on my bed.

and i wanna jog tonight but it fucking freezing.
and where the hell is that check that is (yes, i know) "in the mail!"?

sushi, like and snore

2005-02-05T21:25:00.000-08:00

i woke up around 2pm today. i had had plans of going for a quick jog today... didn't happen.

met up with lover boy over sushi. he said "i think i'm falling in love with you."
i said "i'm really flattered." then i orderd sake.

and then i tried to clarify but i think i might have hurt his feelings though. i don't do the love thing very well.

then off we went to see "the phantom of the opera". he snored through it. his excuse was that it was bloody cold in there.
which it was but...

oh well.

citizen and like

2005-02-03T20:46:00.000-08:00

took the citizenship test today. passed. answered all the questions right.
now i need to wait for a letter in the mail telling me where i need to report to for swearing in.

on other news... lover boy said earlier that he thinks his feelings for me are a little more than "like."
i pretended i didn't really hear him.

i just know things would change for us if we utter that word out loud to each other.
so here's hoping he doesn't repeat it.

me is the new black

2005-01-31T11:31:00.000-08:00

why can't i stop thinking about black people?
they seem to have inflitrated my brain... i sleep, eat, and think them.

could be the new projects i am working on.
could be this book i'm reading - the negro tour guide.

could be... that at last, i have no choice but to fully focus of all of me.
yes, even the nasty parts.

moron

2005-01-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

i was rushing to a meeting where i was responsible for providing snacks for.
i had circled the parking lot to the grocery store twice looking for a free spot.
found one... all the way at the end of the parking lot. too many feet away from the store doors.

so i parked sort of in the defined lines of the parking space.
i was taking two spaces at once.
yes, i was THAT person.
i didn't do it on purpose though. shit, it was cold out and i was already LATE.

when i returned back to my car, i had a lovely note waiting for me:
"there are lines there for a reason MORON!!!"

yeah whatever. and u're an asshole for pointing out the obvious.

blue monday... coming up

2005-01-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

so there's this article about how monday, january 24th is going to be the most depressing day of this year.
well, i'm sure depression doesn't just choose one day to gloat. any fucking day would do, really.

family

2005-01-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

it's been an interesting week.
the week started with sister in law trying to kill herself and ended with her being admitted into the psych ward.
the week was full of high stress emotions.
a demanding mother but not in the traditional demanding role. more in the passive aggresive role.
the week ended with me baby sitting my brand spanking new nephew all night - he kept me up all night.
the week also ended with Boy taking me to see a play this afternoon, even though i was dead tired.

all i want right now in vanilla ice cream and a massage.

tsunami relief

2005-01-14T20:34:00.000-08:00

belated new year to you all.

now, let's begin.

here' the dealio - the thing that happened over in south asia was awful awful awful. no doubt about it. everyday i read about how people simply don't know just how to pick up the pieces of their lives, literally. but now everybody and their mama has some "relief effort" to help the victims over there. all well and dandy, but DAMN, if i hear one more word about it...

there are thousands of people right HERE who need your help, AMERICA. like the homeless. like kids sitting in school buildings with the ceiling peeling right above their heads. like people who have been without and continue to be without electricity in OHIO. how about a lil relief effort for these folks, folks?

we're (well, you're) only helping out because you feel guilty. because the WORLD called us out on being "stingy... and shit" and well, here we are. at work, we also had some relief effort competition going on. it started off being a simple "hey, help these folks out a little... any amount is not too small... thanks" but it quickly changed to a competition between the dems and the repubs. the repubs wanted to show just how "compassionate conservative" they really are by giving more than the dems. so it changed to "don't let the republicans beat us... i know you can give more than them. c'mon folks.... any amount will do!" it made me sick. so every time i received an email asking me to PLEASE DONATE, i deleted it. the senate gave, not out of the kindness of their heart, but because they didn't want to be left out and seen as insensitive.

there's all this money out there now supposedly going towards the relief effort. i just wonder how much of it the victims would really see. already the victims are saying "get the fuck out... we can count our own dead our bloody selves!"